Another walk of LIFE by chetan Bhagat

Another walk of LIFE

(Part1)

Tears welled up in my eyes. So many of them that the outburst could not be controlled anymore and they found their way down on my cheeks and ended on the bunch of cards which I was holding, drop by drop. It was very hard for me to digest that he was gone and I would not see him ever again. I tried to smell the ink on the card which said, “I love you eternally, this life and many more..” and longed for a faint trace of his fragrance in it. As always, I failed. It was almost six months that he was gone.  My training with Infosys, Mysore was nearing completion and like most of my batch mates, I had applied for a week long leave to visit my native place, Ludhiana. My roomie in Mysore entered the room and she saw me crying. “Oh Yashi! Not again. It won’t work this way. You have to move on.” I tried to wipe off my tears and tried to manage a fake smile and said, “Ya Lemy, I understand but grieving is a part of the whole process of moving on, isn’t it?” She very wisely decided not to take the argument further and went out of the room. We were through with our Compre exam and were scheduled to relocate to Bangalore for our ILI sessions as there was some STRAP event coming up in Mysore and the hostels needed to be vacated.

The ILI sessions went off amazingly well and the final postings came. I got Hyderabad DC as my location. In our Volvos, we marched towards our destination and Infosys Hyderabad’s ECC awaited us. Once the formal reporting to the HR in Hyderabad was over, I took a flight to Delhi from Hyderabad’s Shamsabad Airport. As I landed, many memories involving the city drooled over my head. The time when I stood outside AIIMS waiting for him on that fateful day flashed right in front of me as my cab crossed the AIIMS complex on my way to the railway station. I actually saw a part of me waiting for him then. I guess that part would never move on and would continue to analyze the tragedy that was thrown in the face. These thoughts kept me engaged as we reached the Railway station. “250 Rupees Madam!” I realized the difference between Dad’s money and your own hard earned money as it pinched me a lot to spare my 250 bucks to that smelly cab driver with Pan-stained teeth and a perverted smile. He helped me with my luggage and went off. I was lost in thoughts again when I realized that about ten coolies were surrounding me. I felt suffocated and shooed them away. I managed my luggage somehow and reached the Platform #1 and sat there waiting for Shatabdi. The huge rush suffocated me even more. I think it was not the crowd which made me uncomfortable but my thoughts which were suffocating not only my respiratory system but my view too. Again, I had tears in my eyes as I remembered the journey back home with Neha and Amit, after Rahul’s death. It was in a Shatabdi as well.

I tried to shrug off my thoughts and tears as I did not want to be an object of public curiosity. I found my seat and settled down. Next to me was a stupid man who was talking very loudly on his phone and it was a real irritating gesture for me. After he was done with his loud and baseless blabbering, he played a loud Punjabi number. It irritated me to a level that I took out my iPod and stuck up the earphones and had to compulsorily listen to all the sad songs which were my hot choice after his death. “Awaarapan Banjaarapan” by KK made me a little upset. All the heights of gloom were crossed when I heard the next song on the list, “Chitthi na koi Sandesh”. Then it didn’t bother me, if my sobs were heard by about ten people in the train. I wished that they mind their business. But as is the norm in this country, people did not and the stupid man next to me muted his Punjabi songs and asked me, “Madam! Are you alright?” I answered, “Oh yes! Please don’t worry and thanks for asking” Fortunately, he didn’t bother to inquire further. I declined offers for refreshments in the train over and over again to the point that the refreshment guy didn’t bother to ask me anymore. He must have thought that I was fasting.

I felt asleep for a while as I woke up after I heard some hustle bustle suddenly when my iPod’s charge was gone. The train was about to reach Ludhiana Junction. I gathered my luggage and peeped outside the window to see who had come to pick me up. I was glad to see Bhaiya and Bhabhi on the platform.

The train halted. Bhaiya took my luggage and I got down. I was elated to meet the children (Uday and Radhika) after what seemed like ages, but was three months going by the calendar. We marched towards home. Dad and Mom were eagerly waiting on the terrace and I felt special. For a little while, I got rid of Mahtaab’s thoughts in the whole process of family reunion. Bhabhi had prepared Rajmaah-Chawal for me that evening as it was my favorite dish. After about two hours of chit-chat and sharing of experiences I had in Mysore, I left for my room. Two days later was his birthday and I was thinking of all the previous birthdays, we celebrated together. These thoughts were heavy enough to put my tired body on rest and I didn’t realize when sleep conquered me.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part2)

I slept till 11 AM the next morning. It was a very well deserved sleep after the Fast-Track training in Mysore and tight schedules in Bangalore. I loved getting up late and it was such a good feeling to hop around the house whole day without caring for a bath. I had aloo paranthaas in brunch and relished the taste which was almost forgotten staying in South. Mom and Bhabhi left no stone unturned to feed me till I was so full that I almost cried as I pleaded for no more Paranthaas. After the lovely brunch, it was time for me to play with the kids. They started mumbling meaningful words by then which were amusing for me to comprehend. “Toy Toy…Bua, I banna toy”. Uday said these words and I remembered that I had to give away the presents which I had brought for all my family members. I got Mysore silk sarees for my mom, Bhabhi and sis, a tie for my dad and a shirt for Bhaiya and jiju each. It was a brilliant feeling as I handed over the gifts to them. The kids looked up longingly and it was then that I realized that I forgot to bring anything for them. Fortunately, I had four Crackle chocolates in my handbag which came to the rescue. They were elated to the max and resumed their running here and there all over the place.

I again went back to my room after the gifts’ distribution and stared at the walls blankly. In fact, I was turning good at this staring thing. It occurred to me that it was his 24^th birthday the next day. “What if he is not here physically, I would celebrate the day. It is even more difficult for his parents to survive through his first birthday without him” were the thoughts that harped in my head. Amidst the thought hurricane, I took a nap and when I woke up, it was already 6 o’ clock. I got up and headed towards the bathroom to have a quick shower. After the shower, I got ready when I heard a knock at my door. It was Neha, she had come to visit me and knew I would be planning something for his family on his bday. She greeted me with a huge hug and asked me, “How have you been Yashi!? How do you plan to celebrate the day?” I smiled and answered, “I wish to have my share of his birthday cake and some chocolates with some Chinese food. What is your pick?” Neha said, “It seems like a great idea. I am sure he would love it from up above the skies.” Her statement made me realize that I won’t see him this time on his day. But this thought didn’t deter me.

As I was about to leave for the market, Bhabhi asked me where was I going. I decided to tell her the whole thing as it was very difficult for me to lie about him. The liar in me was gone with him, I think. She had tears in her eyes and said, “All the best dear! I am with you”. I told Neha that in my family only Bhaiya and Bhabhi knew about him and his death. We just didn’t get a chance to discuss it with our parents. Once he died, I asked Bhaiya not to disclose it in front of Dad as he could not see me sad. There was one more reason that I did not want to answer a million questions that would have followed post their knowledge of my relationship. Moreover, there was no need for me to share the trauma I was going through with them.

We went to Sindhi’s and ordered his favorite black forest cake with additional Gems on it. He ordered one extra pack of Gems as I always ate most of those. He said, “You can pick it up at 11AM tomorrow, Madam!” Neha and I decided that we would invite Amit and Gagan as well for the party. At the same time, we were a little skeptical as we were not sure of his parent’s reactions. But I was determined to go through with this. My training in Infy made me a stronger person, it made me realize my own loopholes and flaws. I was working on myself as I turned into a “very silent girl in tears most of the time” person.

I went to Archie’s and ordered a large Birthday card for him. As always, it took me an hour to select the perfect card for the perfect man. Next, we ordered the best Chinese snacks for the next day and came back to our respective homes. Neha called up Gagan and Amit and invited them for the party at Rahul’s home the next day.

Later in the night, I called up Mamma. She was very happy to hear my voice. I just couldn’t gather the guts many times to speak to her as I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to break down in front of her as I knew she was more hurt than I ever could be. This is a part of the process coping up with tragedies that we learn to see who is more affected and in loss by the loss. This gives all of us a chance to secretly feel good that we are better off, in some ways. I told her that I was back in Ludhiana for a week and would visit her the next morning. Then it occurred to me suddenly that it was the second Wednesday of the month and Mamma’s Kitty party was scheduled. Before she could answer, I said, “Oh Mamma! I think you have your Kitty tomorrow, so we can come up in the evening”. I heard a sigh followed by her statement, “I don’t go to any kitty parties now. I have given up on my social life. I just don’t feel like meeting people anymore. But my child! You are more than welcome in this house as I know what you meant to him. Moreover, I have to give you something that belongs to you.

“What is it Mamma?”

“You come tomorrow and have a look at it yourself. It is all yours.”

“OK Mamma! As you say!” I hung up and lost again in my thoughts about what could it be. Was there something that Rahul intended to give me. No it can’t be. He was a failure when it came to hide surprises he planned for me. I always managed to know well in advance, what lied in store for me. What could it be.

Buzz. “Dr.Gagan… calling “ I remembered the fateful night when she broke THE NEWS and realized it was the next morning, his birthday.

“Happy Birthday to our friend, Yashi!!” I just didn’t know what to say but managed to thank her for her wishes. She said that she was all geared up for the special day. I knew in the heart of hearts that it was going to be a very hard day for me. Each day was, but this one had a date and numerous events attached to it. Our past influences a lot of things in our present and actions in the future.

I turned on the other cell phone which had no SIM card in it but was still safe in my handbag. It had his picture in it. I kissed his pic and once again found him smiling through his lovely eyes and wished him, “Happy Birthday, Baby! You are the best.” I continued looking at the picture for another ten minutes and then got up from my bed and ran to the bathroom. It was his big day rather our big day.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part3)

It was a beautiful sunny morning in the winters. I rubbed my hands after I finally got ready for the big boy’s birthday. Neha was already outside my house and giving me missed calls so that I hurried up. She had the presents I bought for him the previous day and we had to pick up the cake and snacks on our way to his house. I waved bye to my mom and told her that I would be meeting my old friends for the rest of the day and hang around with them.

Neha was driving as she noticed me lost in thoughts again. She asked me to be cheerful and told me she understood that it was difficult for me to cope up. During the drive, she tried to change the topic towards my training and life at Infosys. We reached the cake shop as I was sharing my experiences and within minutes, a delicious looking cake with “Happy Birthday, Rahul” was in front of us. It sunk in me that Rahul won’t cut it this time. It had to be someone else. All of a sudden, it seemed stupid to me that we were celebrating the birthday of a dead man. “Hell! No..He is right here..Just feel him”, my heart scolded me and encouraged me to go ahead with the experience. The shop owner asked, “Madam, How many candles do you need for the cake?” I was speechless. Neha realized that it was a wrong question thrown right in my face. She asked for a pack of birthday candles and we paid for the stuff and proceeded towards the Chinese snack shop and grabbed the order.

Gagan and Amit called us up to let us know that they were already waiting for us near his house. All of us decided to go in together as it was the time we all needed strength. I was the one who rung the bell. The “Ding Dong” memories flashed a tear rolled down unintentionally. Gagan asked me to control as it would become very difficult to face Mamma that way. I breathed hard and wiped my face and was ready to face the world on the other side of the gate. Mamma opened the gate and welcomed us all. It seemed she was waiting for us. She hugged me hard and that hard hug was so full of inexplicable feelings. We went inside and the view I dreaded the most was staring me straight in my eyes. It was his poster behind a fresh garland and a tilak on the forehead. He looked grand and intellectual in his rimless glasses. I got engrossed in watching his facial expressions and the mystery added because of his key feature, his eyes. Mamma asked us to sit down and my gang was silent. No one knew what to say. Amit finally broke the silence and said, “Guys! We are here to celebrate, set the mood right.” He was an authoritative guy always. I wondered how Neha kept up with him. Rahul was always understanding and flexible.

Mamma got a tray full of Pepsi and all of us helped in setting up the table for the b’day boy. The cake and the yummy snacks were all set. Then came the time for the candles. Mamma judged that none of us was sure what to do. She picked out two candles and smilingly said, “One for his past life and one for the present.” She made things look so easy that I kept on wondering about the strength of that woman. The candles were lit up and the knife was lying on the table near the cake. Gagan had decorated it with a funny pink ribbon. Mamma picked up the knife and handed it over to me. Mamma and I cut the cake together and rest of the clan was singing the birthday jingle. God! They were good doctors but pathetic singers. I tossed away the thoughts and Mamma asked me to blow off one of the candles. I did as instructed but a drop of tear fell on my hand. Strangely, it wasn’t mine. It was Mamma’s. This was the situation we all dreaded. Mamma excused herself after having her share of cake and went in his room still in tears. We didn’t know what to do. We all had our share and were wondering what to do next. Mamma called me inside. I was about to move as Neha looked in my eyes and asked me to be strong. I realized how amazingly good she was with her eye language and felt proud that I could understand the same with equal ease.

Mamma was sitting near his study table. She had finally changed the bed sheets and cleared the mess of his books from his bed. I sat near her on the edge of his bed. Mamma was holding a blue diary in her hands. She was weeping side by side. I said nothing as I knew no amount of sympathies would work on her. She looked up with tearful eyes and said, “Beta ji! This is for you. I found it when I was cleaning his wardrobe. It belongs to you. I never knew he wrote a diary.”

I was shell shocked to hold it. It was something he had written just for me. I opened the first page. It said, “For my Lips..A surprise.” I wanted to have the soul of the small kid of the tele serial, “Small Wonder” and read the entire diary in a flicker of a second. But I was just a human. I shakily opened the next page and it described in detail our first meeting in Mount Abu. I was mesmerized by the artist in him. Maybe it was just the innocence of the first love. Mamma handed me over two other diaries (a green and a black one). After all, so many years could not be clubbed in one tiny booklet.

When I was about to close the first one, I scanned the last page of the blue diary. It held the words carved in his handwriting, “I want to gift this diary to Lips when we’ll get married. My first night present to the lady I yearn to be with, this life and forever.” I could not hold my tears any longer and cried out aloud. Mamma held me and I noticed all the other friends entering the room. They could not comprehend why both of us were sobbing. Neha rushed to me while Amit took care of Mamma and all of them tried to calm us down. I was blessed with strongest of the people around me, I must say.

I got the most well deserved gift on his big day. He changed my life, once again. I looked at his photograph in his room, where he was dressed in his lab coat and stethoscope and was giving doctor-like expressions and smiled. I thanked him in my heart as he gave me a gift, I would cherish for the rest of my life and hold close to my heart. I had each day of our relationship from his point of view. I never thought he could hide this surprise from me for so long. I fell in love with him once again.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part4)

With the memories of his love, the taste of the cake mixed with Gems and tears, it was time for us to go back home. We bade bye byes to Mamma and Neha dropped me to my place. The weight of my handbag had increased because of the emotions in the three diaries. I rushed to my room as it was already late evening by then. I stared at the covers of those booklets which would give me a new reason and motive to live. At least, I would not be counting days for a little while now. I gathered the guts to open the first page and re read the first meeting’s description.

A prose said: “She is probably the prettiest female I have ever encountered. She has an immense charm which drives me crazy. I shook hands with her today and I just love the fragrance of her perfume. She is pretty good with her choice of perfumes. All the guys come to know when she is approaching the class as she smells good from miles. I think I like this girl. I don’t know if she would agree to my offer of friendship. If she does, I would be so lucky to have a girlfriend at such an early age.”

The first thought that came to my mind after reading the first meeting from his eyes was that I was a crush for him, a forbidden fruit that he wanted to taste. Strangely, I did not feel bad about it. We were kids then and it was natural for him to feel that way. It was over time that our relationship evolved and grew. With these thoughts, I went to sleep.

The next day posed a difficult challenge in front of me. My dad’s friend’s daughter and her family were supposed to visit us that afternoon over lunch. I hated socializing with strangers then and told mum that I might go out with friends as I don’t want to be a part of the lunch. Mum objected and it was after a heated argument she blurted out, “They are coming to see you for their son. He is an NRI and the family is also very good. They are jewelers in Jalandhar. We invited them so that you can spend some time with them.”

My world shook once again. I never thought my folks would do something like this without my consent. According to them, I was in my mid 20s and that is the perfect marriageable age for a girl in this country. My mom cited example of a cousin of mine who was very choosy with guys and hence was left unmarried till the age of 30. I rushed to Monu Bhaiya for help but to my despair, he said that matters were beyond his control and in his opinion; I should give myself another chance in life. My next resort was Bhabhi. She said, “Yashi! I like the family and I think you should move on in life now. For how long would you cry for the gone love?”

I felt that my family was trying to fetch a new pet for me when the old one was dead. It was a horrible experience. My mother and Bhabhi were discussing what I was supposed to wear the next day.

It was finally the next afternoon I dreaded. The family of the boy arrived in a big swanky car.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part5)

I was instructed by my folks to stay inside my room until I was called. I was forced to dress up in a traditional suit which I hated to wear. My bhabhi even applied a little lipstick and a light make-up. Make-up was one thing I detested and never enjoyed. I thought I was faking up the whole thing. I really did not understand why I was doing all this. I felt like running away from my own people as it was too much for me. I was sitting on my bed trying to hold back my tears when I heard my mom calling me outside. “Yashi beta! Please come out.” I reluctantly went to the drawing room where everyone was sitting. Apart from my family, there was an overgrown huge man and a very hip looking lady in a gorgeous suit. Then there was a good-looking young man. I found him attractive in the first sight.

What begun next was a formal round of introduction. Infosys had taught me how to hide the real emotions and be presentable most of the times. The overgrown man was Raj’s dad and hip looking lady was his mom and the attractive young man was Raj’s younger brother named Rohan. Raj could not come as he had to visit the Passport office regarding some updates in his passport. The lady asked me about my hobbies and I answered her very confidently. I realized that I began to enjoy this different kind of interview. Then Raj’s family acknowledged my achievements in terms of my placement and academic qualifications. They made it clear that though theirs was a business class family, their elder son Raj wanted a working wife and he was a self made man who headed the HR cell in M&S London office. I was clearly impressed with his achievements as I had a natural respect for intelligent people. Specially, the people who were born with a silver spoon and still carved a niche’ of their own by working hard. Then they asked me, if I would be ready to relocate to UK with Raj. I had no answer as I never thought about a life sans Rahul. It occurred to me that I had to, now that he was gone forever. It was nobody’s fault but I was suffering each day without him. I told them that I needed to think on this. His mother said, “You may meet Raj and speak to him personally regarding this issue and any other issue that you have”. I took it as a crap idea and somehow the ordeal paused for a while as they left.

My mom and Bhabhi went to our family astrologer soon after the Khannas went after lunch. The gun-milan was nothing less than perfect. 32.5 out of 36. Everything was hunky-dory and rosy for my parents. They wanted me to meet Raj and gave me all the positive signs that they had absolutely no problem with me getting married to him.

I was very confused with whatever was happening to me. I thought I would never be able to forget Rahul. How could I get married to someone else? How could I get married at all? I felt like an unmarried widow. I called up Neha. She knew it was a little too soon for me to take such a decision. I told her that my parents were not listening to me. Neha suggested me that I meet Mamma and talk to her about this. I agreed and my next call was to Mamma. She called me to her place the next morning. With these loaded thoughts, I tried to sleep but could not. There were phases when I cried, when I was silent and when I was thinking. Sometimes, every emotion clubbing up together and the output was beyond understanding. Such was that night.

I went to meet Mamma the next morning. I narrated the entire situation to her. I was weeping side by side. I often wondered when the stock of my tears will end. Mamma asked, “Do you think I would be able to forget him Beta ji?” I thought of the question had an obvious answer NO. I chose to exercise my right of being silent and looked at her with questioning eyes. She further said, “I remember giving birth to him. I remember holding him in my arms for the first time. I remember his father in glad tears when he first saw him. His dad said, “I don’t believe I am holding our most beautiful and precious creation”. I remember feeding him for the first time and him waking me up in the middle of night. I did my best as a mother to soothe him in every possible way all my life. Then I remember catching up a uterine infection soon after his birth and the doctor telling us that it could be fatal for me if I tried for another baby. It was then that his dad decided that since we have Rahul, we do not need anyone else to complete us.  I was upset for a few days but forgot my incapability as Rahul grew up. He had my eyes and people used to praise his eyes the most. I used to wade off the evil eyes by red chillies each time. I remember him taking his first step, his running for the first time, his first school day. He got in one of the best schools in the city. He was such an intelligent boy. We were so proud of having him as a part of us. Then, one fine day, I got to know about your presence in his life. I was a little angry but understood that he must be very lonely in his life, so did not say anything to him. I somehow trusted his judgment as well. I trusted my trust for his choice as soon as I met you. I accepted you as a member of this family as the time passed. I considered myself to be lucky to have a son and a daughter. Beta Ji, I clearly remember the day when your brother and bhabhi agreed for your alliance with him. I thought I had a perfect life. We tried to give Rahul, the best life we could. But in the end, tragedy struck and we failed. We failed to keep him alive. We failed to keep him for us and for you. You were never considered outside the family and out of 23 years, he lived, he was with you for 11 years. It is a big deal. But darling! Do you think me and hid dad have an option? We are alive and have moved on a little. His memories are sufficient for us. He hated to see any of us sad, especially you. “

Mamma was sad and halted her speech. I had nothing to offer her except my silence. My grief seemed trivial in front of hers. She convinced me to move on, rather forced me to agree for the alliance I received. She said, “Rahul would want to see you happy, now and forever. Promise me, you will be fair to Raj and won’t take Rahul and his thoughts in your new home and  your new life. This would be the right thing to do. She made me swear on Mahtaab’s picture that I would move on.”

With a very heavy heart and red eyes, I came back to my home and asked my parents to fix up my meeting with Raj.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part6)

It was not an easy decision for me at all.  Mamma’s words were harping in my head like a thunderbolt. Whatever she said was true to the core. Moving on is another name of life. But how could I move on so soon. Now that I had agreed to meet Raj, things would be even tougher for me. I heard someone entering my room. It was my mom. She told me that I would me meeting up Raj the next day as he would be visiting us and then he would take me out for lunch. I was speechless. It was a little consoling to see my mother so happy.  Only three more days were left before I was scheduled to leave for Hyderabad.

The next morning, my bhabhi came to my room to wake me up. She is a very sweet fellow who always wakes me up with a wonderfully made tea and an ear to ear smile. That morning, it was a little different. I was in my quilt and having my tea when my bhabhi said, “Beta! It is time that you open up new doors for yourself. I understand it is difficult but you can do it. Our Yashi is a fighter and I know that. Go meet Raj, we like his profile and loved his family. Give him a chance to make you happy.” I knew whatever she was saying was correct and right but the problem is, that heart doesn’t see through brain. It has its own eyes which just know how to love and nothing about rights and wrongs. With these thoughts, I finished my tea and got up. It was time for me to have a bath as Raj would reach anytime. I am a late riser, so it was already 11:30 AM.

I went straight in my hot water shower. With the steam coming out of the hot water and tears out of my eyes, I got ready. I went straight to the Mandir in my home and was sitting next to my best friend my Mataji and looked for answers. I had found solace in the words of Durga Chalisa every time I looked for it. I was meditating and what I saw next was simply unbelievable. I saw those green eyes telling me not to get stuck up. Those eyes told me that Yashi is a very strong person and she can face this very easily and come out victorious. My belief in Mataji strengthened even more and I decided to go for it with a free mind.

I heard my doorbell ringing. It was Raj. I was still in the Mandir and my mom asked me to come to the drawing room in five minutes. I was asked to serve him a cold drink and other eatables which were right on the center table of my drawing room. I did as instructed but at the same time wondered, if he would ever do the same for me when I would go to his home. I watched him closely as I sat opposite to him on the sofa. He resembled his overgrown father. He had a great voice. I noticed that he was a little obese. He was very tall, 6 Feet maybe. I am a petite, slender female. I was not sure, if I would look good with him. But I am not one of those for whom looks are a priority. I wanted to know him and his achievements. We talked for a while at home and then he asked my dad, if he could take me out for lunch. My dad gladly agreed. I thought that fathers are so different when the guy is of their choice. I imagined that he would never have behaved so coolly if it was the guy of my choice.

We were in his car and I noticed he was not one of those chivalrous guys who would open the car’s door for the lady. Even though I did not want to, Raj was being compared to Rahul, in my thoughts. I tried to shoo away that feeling as I wanted to be fair to this guy. Moreover, the ILI sessions had taken their toll on me. “Suspended Judgment” was what I needed at that time. Raj asked me my choice of the restaurant. As I wanted to be fair to him, I asked him to go to HMR, it was the only place where Rahul and I hadn’t gone together. We went there and surprisingly, he showed his chivalry skills there by pulling out the chair for me. I had a smile on my lips. He began asking me about my hobbies and told me about his. I felt comfortable with him and felt truly that he was my chance to move on in life. He was an interesting guy and his obesity was not bothering me anymore.

He complemented me on my dressing sense and I took this opportunity to tell him that I hated to wear Indian traditional suits. He said he was OK with it as we had to live in the UK after marriage. He told me that he and his family really liked me and wanted to know my views on the proposed alliance. It was late evening by then and I said, “I think it might take me a while to answer this.” With this conversation, he drove me back to my place and my folks called him in. What I saw next was nothing less than a disaster.

I saw his entire family sitting in our drawing room. Everyone was chatting, laughing and having a nice time. We joined them. His mother asked me, “Do you like him?” It was a question to which any girl with basic sense of politeness would answer in affirmative. That is what I did. I said, “He is good, Auntyji” Everyone smiled and his mother held my hand and put a Kangan in it. I was shocked and before I could react, my matrimonial alliance was fixed up. Yashi was formally engaged to Raj.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part7)

I was shell-shocked and could not react at all. My family members were congratulating them and next I saw my dad coming up with a gold chain and putting it in Raj’s neck. Then everyone was exchanging sweets. I was forced a few barfees. Both of us were made to sit side by side on a sofa. The photo session began. Rohan and Monu Bhaiya started clicking us. It was all too sudden that I did not know what to do about it, whether or not I wanted to stop it. But as of then, Raj was the man, who would be my future husband. I never thought that I would be the victim of the arranged marriage system like my sibs. After much hullaballoo, the Khannas went. Raj did not forget to exchange phone numbers and told me that he would call me later that night. I smiled even though I did not want to. My mom hugged me like never before after they left. Dad said, “Yashi! I am very proud of you. I knew you would never let us down.” In this country, marriage is such a big deal. In addition, there is the concept of Love marriage and Arranged marriage. Love marriage is always for the bad children and Arranged marriage is for people falling in any of the three categories:

1. Nerds, too busy to fall in love.

2. Orthodox, Who think falling in love is bad.

3. Losers, who lose their love or who lose in love.

Unfortunately, the third category is the saddest one and I was a part of it. Ritu didi was called up and the good news was shared. She was elated as I would be joining her in the United Kingdom soon after marriage.  It was about 11:30 PM that night that I went to my room. I opened Rahul’s diary as I wanted to feel his presence again. I decided to open a random page. “She is my princess, my darling and the love of my life but there are times that she fails to understand me. Just like it happened tonight. I went all the way to Delhi to celebrate her birthday. I know how excited she becomes on her birthdays. She is a baby at heart, a child, who loves to open the presents with an undying enthusiasm. It was her big day and I went to CP to surprise her. I wore my Navy blue suit as I know it is her favorite color. I think she was happy to see me but then I said something which ruined her day. I don’t understand why women are so insecure about their guys. We are getting married in a while. I mean, I might be a gynecologist one day, how will Yashi deal with that then? I must talk to her and make her understand that my eyes are just for her, I am just for her. My life and every breath I take are just for her.

She said something that hurt me a lot. “Rahul you are dead for me!” In the phone call tonight, she was a little pacified. I have to travel tomorrow to Ludhiana and prepare for the exam. I know she didn’t mean it. I wonder what she would do if something happened to me. She cannot even tolerate a bruise on me and she was talking about her dead Mahtaab. Anger is such a powerful emotion, especially with her. With all my heart and soul, I love her and would show the world by clearing the exam hurdle, or I must say, stepping stone.”

The next two days just passed by with the discussions and preparations of my marriage. I took my flight from Delhi to Hyderabad as I had to report there to my HR the next day. As my flight landed, I got a call. It was Raj.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part8)

He had an amazing telephonic voice. “Hello Yashi! I hope you have reached. I am sorry; I couldn’t call that night as I got really caught up with things. Ma was really excited about my alliance being fixed up. We went to Mata Chintapurni. Then Ma took me for shopping. As it is my flight next week, I want to know when you would want to get married. I would be coming back in another six months. Let’s see if we can make it then. By the way, Yashi, When at the earliest, you can come to England?” I was not prepared for this question and answered, “Raj! Please let me get out of the airport first. Don’t mind, I am travelling alone and need to collect my luggage and grab a taxi for myself. I would reach ECC and call you at the earliest.”  He said, “Your wish. Call me when you are free. We need to discuss this.” I sensed arrogance and annoyance in his voice and I certainly didn’t like it. I thought that he should have understood my constraints. Then automatically, I shooed away the feelings thinking that I don’t know him that well yet and I should not be judgmental.

I collected my luggage and grabbed a prepaid taxi as they were safer as compared to the postpaid ones. Hyderabad was a very sunny city. It was almost Feb beginning and very chilly in Delhi and Ludhiana but completely different in Hyderabad. I had to remove my overcoat to be comfortable. The journey from the Begumpet airport to the Infy campus was a long and boring one. There was not much language problem as compared to Bangalore and Mysore. People were very fluent in Hindi and English. I reached the campus and it took me 45 Minutes. As any other DC, Hyd DC was equally mesmerizing. What was more mesmerizing that it was opposite ISB, a dream B-School for many (Not mine though). I reached ECC and it was a long and tough walk as they did not have Golf carts like Mysore DC. I had to carry my eternally heavy luggage and then as per my company policies, I had to get it checked twice or thrice, before I could check-in. Finally, I reached my room with some help from our sweet housekeeping staff. It was a huge room with two double beds. I did not understand the purpose of the same and did not bother to use my brain for that.

There was nobody else who shared the room with me as most of the people had already reported to the HR by then. I was back from my leave. I was dead tired and went in for a bath when I heard my phone ringing. It was my mom. I realized that I hadn’t called them after reaching Hyderabad and they must be worried. I answered the phone, “Hello Yashi! Have you reached safely?” I said, “Yes Mom, I am perfectly fine. Just checked in the hostel. It is a brilliant room. By the way, mom, I am in the middle of my shower, I would call you later.” I did not even finish my sentence that I had another call on waiting. It was Raj again.

I hung up my mom’s call and answered Raj’s call. “Hi! Haven’t you reached your hostel yet? I asked you to call me. Why didn’t you?” That amazing telephonic voice had extreme hints of rudeness in it. But I chose not to argue and apologized. I was too tired for that. I told him that I was in the bathroom and would call him in a short while. What he said next surprised me to the core, “So! You mean, you cannot talk to me but your phone was on waiting. Whom were you talking to, may I know?” Nobody had ever asked me such a question. I was shocked and felt I would be judged by my answer.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part9)

I was amazed at how could a person who entered my life just three days back make me upset. Then I realized that it was not the number of days he had been a part of my life but the position he holds. He was my would-be husband and he had the right to ask this. I believed that there could have been better ways for the same. Very confused, hurt and surprised, I answered him, “Raj! I was talking to my mother. She just wanted to know if I had reached safely or not.” He said, “Yes Yashi! That is what precisely I wanted to know but you have been really busy to even answer my questions all day long. Anyways, I do not want to ruin your mood by getting into arguments. Just relax and call me if you wish to talk.” He hung up even without a bye.

Firstly, my mood was ruined to the core. Secondly, I was not willing to talk to him ever again. I finished my shower and with frustration, got dressed up and called my mother. I told her the entire thing. She listened to me patiently and said, “You must take care of him. Call him more frequently if he wants. After all, he is going to be your husband and yes! Mrs. Khanna called up and they want the wedding to take place in December. You have about ten months for your job. Then plan to resign or take a transfer to UK.” I tried to explain my point of view to my mother but failed as she was not ready to listen to me. Things are so different in arranged marriages. You don’t know the person and in just one day, you are forced to love him and his family like yours own. I felt this entire system to be very stupid but had no option by that time.

I called up Raj after my mom’s call. “Hello! Ms Busybee. How are you doing?” I answered, “I am OK, just a little tired. I believe that there is something urgent that you wanted to discuss.” He said, “Yes! I wanted to tell you the great news that our guruji was here a little while ago and he has fixed up our wedding date as 7^th Dec, 2008. Congrats, my dear would be wife.” Then he said a few more sentences to which I just hmmed and ahaaned. I absolutely had no words. It sunk in me deep down that I was getting married to this man whom I do not even know properly. Then I thought that a million other girls in this country would be doing the same thing by the time my wedding date would arrive. I stopped thinking as I had thought too much that day. After the call, I went to report to my HR. It was late afternoon. Sachin greeted me very warmly. He was IVS Hyderabad DC’s BP-HR. I found him to be a very pleasant personality. He told me that Hyderabad base location is not certain for us and is subject to change as being in IVS; we would have to undergo IVS specific training in BBSR. I did not know whether to be happy about it or sad as I wasn’t sure of my future in this company. I was not sure about my career anymore. I didn’t know why my parents always forced me to achieve something in life if I had to leave it one day to join someone called a “HUSBAND” in the UK. An alien land, an alien man, an alien family would be enough to scare anyone off. These thoughts were absolutely too much for me.

I thought I would have been better off if I would have studied humanities and not competed in this big bad perfection driven world. All I wanted in life was love. I probably thought that way as I was never short of money. I had all the facilities in my life and at the same time was a much focused child. I owe this to my Fauji dad who tied us all together. Despite of all the good things about my family, I was unable to figure out why I was being forced to let go my career for marriage. I decided to have a good talk about this with my mom later that day.

It was late evening by then; I went to the food court which was really grand. Hyd DC was huge but tiny as compared to Mysore and Bangalore. I finished my dinner and searched for a perfect spot in the cricket ground and dialed my mom. It was my dad who picked up. I greeted him and he congratulated me for my wedding date being fixed up. He sounded as if he was in the middle of something and my phone call had distracted him. He handed over the phone to my mother. She sounded worried for the preparations of my big day and was very excited for the same. I started off the topic with much reluctance. I said, “Mom! You have always taught me to be independent especially in terms of finances. All my life, we have been told that education is very important and so is one’s career. Why have your thoughts undergone a sea change now? Merely within a week of my engagement, you feel my career is no more important. You were so happy when I got this job with this great company. We celebrated to the max. Now, all this seems trivial to you as you have found someone who is capable of feeding me for the rest of my life. Why suddenly, I am expected to do nothing, just sit at home, raise kids, not be career oriented anymore? How can you expect me to forego my 23-24 Years of training in a week? Why being ambitious is sarcasm for me today? It is ok that I am getting married. Everyone does. What is so great about it? I am not the only one who is getting married. Raj is also a party to this alliance. Why he is not expected to leave UK and settle down in Hyderabad? Why is he not even willing to ask me if at all I wish to get married in December or I need some more time?”

Another walk of LIFE

(Part10)

My mother was definitely confused about my questions but as parents do normally, she raised her voice as she was unable to answer me appropriately. “You have to go ahead with this as you are a girl. Girls have to make such sacrifices. Moreover, theirs is a loving family and Raj cares for you a lot. You are very lucky that you have got such a family. They asked for your alliance themselves so we believe that they must not be having very high demands for dowry. I sacrificed my career for all of you and I am glad I did that. I had the option of staying away from your father and continue with my job as the HOD of Hindi department or resigning and joining him. I consider myself wise enough to sacrifice my career for my family. You are also expected to do the same. We emphasized on education as you never know when and how tragedy can strike you in life. We wanted you to be prepared. We also want you to join your sister in the UK. Moreover, you may find yourself another job in London. I am sure you will be able to do that. Your bhabhi has done that too. I am sure you don’t regret that.”

I replied, “Mom! I am not satisfied with your answer and I very well know that how and when tragedy can strike you.” Mom said, “It is OK. Your questions show your immaturity. You will understand what we mean in the long run. Life is not what you want all the time. Trust our decision and our parenting.”

I hung up. I was obviously upset but had many other things to do like looking out for a house and unpacking. I went to my hostel room and counted the number of days for my wedding. It was February, 2008 then and the beginning of my career. Before my career could actually take off, the fuel was drained with the puncture called marriage. But like many other Indians, I trusted my parents more than my own judgment. So I gave in to the fact that I would be Mrs. Raj Khanna and wanted to feel happy about this decision of mine (rather my family’s).

My next phone call was to Raj. His mother picked up. It was about 11 PM then. I wished her Namaste. She said, “In our families, daughters in law wish Pairi Pauna (equivalent to touching the feet).” Not that I did mind it but the hip lady’s tone was no more hip. I apologized and asked if Raj could be reached. She said, “Raj was tired and so he has slept. I will tell him to speak to you tomorrow.” What more could I say? I hung up. Thinking about all that happened in the last few months, I slept.

It was 9 AM that I heard the bell of my hostel room ring. I opened the door. It was the housekeeping lady. She had come to clean up the room. I was late for office and went straight inside the bathroom to get ready. The housekeeper was doing her job but was cheerful enough and asked me why I hadn’t finished the tea. She wanted to refill the sachets. I told her that I was not much of a tea person and liked coffee better.

With this discussion, I was concurrently getting ready. I was amazed at how they made up the worst untidy room of Infy tidied up in say twenty minutes. I went to Sachin to B19, IVS building and got myself a cubicle allocated. It had been long that I had logged on to Sparsh. I raised AHDs for asset allocation. I was about to leave for lunch that Raj called up. “Hi Baby! How are you doing?” I did not have the guts to tell him that I was leaving for lunch. I had never felt so intimidated in my entire life. I tried to sound cheerful and answered him, “I am going for lunch but it is OK, we can talk.” He threw some sarcasm about me being very busy and not sparing enough time for him. Then I tried to change the topic and inquired about his job profile. He sounded reluctant to discuss that and started flirting with me. I was very tired and hungry to death and that Raj flirting with me was the last thing I wanted then. But my mom’s words, “Keep Raj and his family happy, if you love us” harped in my brain. Moreover, I thought that talking to him will make our relationship evolve. Not that I had any option to run away from the situation. Then in the middle of his flirting session, Raj asked me something to which I lied. He asked me, “Have you ever been in love before loving me?” The second half of the question was an overstatement (I was not in love with Raj) and I did not know what to say about the first half.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part11)

“Raj! What kind of question is this?”, I said. “No babes! I need to know each and every thing about you. Your past, present and your future.” I was tempted to fall in that trap but trusted my gut feeling to test this relationship a little more. I said, “No Raj! I have never been involved in something like this. Have you been?” He said, “Though I live in London and was in an all-boys boarding. I have always believed in arranged marriage as I feel that my mother knows what or who is best for me. I love my mom to bits. She is very excited about my marriage. I must tell you that you are very fortunate that you have a mom-in-law like my mom. She is the best in the world.” The hip-looking lady had definitely made her mark on her son. It was a very different way of praise I had heard about a mom from a son.

I noticed that he could talk a lot and even ignore the other person’s statements while talking. It was a little irritating for me but I ignored for reasons unknown. We spoke about our marriage which was ten months later. Raj seemed pretty excited about it. He mentioned that since he belongs to a high-class family of Jalandhar, they usually have lavish weddings. I sensed it as a hint but since it could be later generalized by him, I chose not to argue. I also feel that he was successful in dominating me in less than a week. I began losing my confidence and could not express me in a way I used to. I turned into a very silent and sad girl. I joined my training batch friends in Hyderabad. It was after a week; I vacated the comfort of Infy guest house and moved to my apartment in a sad place called Tollichowki. I did not like Hyderabad’s climate as it was too hot most of the times. I adjusted myself to the kind of lifestyle I was in. I observed that I was a very flexible and adaptable female. Or maybe, I had better reasons to crib in life, I ignored these trivial reasons.

Raj used to call off and on. His favorite topics of discussion with me included his mother’s praises, his family and gossips about his aunts. I was amazed at how an HR manager could waste his precious time discussing about his tayiji and chachiji. But he did it and did it with a lot of ease. I was never a gossip person as these things were never encouraged in my family. The academic background of my family could have been a reason behind this. His family was not at all educated. He was the only one who finished a Masters in their family history. He was regarded with great respect and love in his circle. His self made attitude was the only reason I agreed to meet him. Though they were filthy rich, I saw how education can make a difference in one’s personality.

I was allocated to an internal project in Hyderabad. We had our IVS specific training wound up in Hyderabad itself. It saved me the pain to travel to BBSR. I was contended at last. My project was going on well. Raj had left for UK. He used to call me once or twice a week. According to me, it was a little less frequent for a couple to talk this less. I decided to make a move on my part and decided to talk to him at least once a day. It went well for the initial weeks. He was happy gossiping about all the people who had wronged his family and his oh-so-innocent mother. I sensed that whenever I try to talk about his job or our future, either his phone’s battery went off or he was reminded of something very urgent which was nowhere in picture when he was gossiping about what a bitch his Chachi had been. I could sense something very fishy going on but could not put it in words. Once, I was unable to reach him for an entire weekend. I was really mad at him. I spoke to his mother. She said that he must be working as he had a hectic weekend which he mentioned to her. I felt that there were a lot of critical things which were mentioned to Mummyji and not me. I tried to get rid of the feeling by calling it useless jealousy. Maybe, I was indeed getting attached to that man.

My friends thought that it was a very natural thing to happen and advised me to relish the fact that I had moved on. I used to feel guilty about not missing Rahul that much then but more bothered about how Raj would be and what he would be doing. Three months down the line sitting at my desk, I felt a spark. I was expecting his call when I got an unexpected call. It was some number from Pune. “Hello! Is it Yashi!.”

“Yes it is, Who is this?”

“Hi! This is PKS from Pune DC. We have a billable project requirement for you in Pune. You are required to travel to Pune over this weekend and join Phase 1 office coming Monday. Sachin would take care of all the formalities. Please raise Payana for your travel and plan accordingly.”

“Oh OK! It is too soon, isn’t it?”

“Ya, that’s the way things go on when we have critical business requirements,. Hope you do not have a problem with the offer?”

“Absolutely not! I am a flexible employee. I am ready to relocate. Thank you.”

He hung up.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part12)

The journey to Pune was hectic but comfortable. I had my cab waiting right outside the airport. It felt so good to travel to the city which had a rocking night life and was full of lively people. It took me an hour and a half to reach Infy Phase 1 campus. I felt the climate was a lot more favorable than Hyderabad’s. The guard at the campus’ gate directed me to Phase 2 campus as ECC was not in Phase 1. This meant shedding off another hundred rupees for a five minutes trip. It was an expensive city, no doubt. I checked in the hostel. It was the third DC in six-seven months of my joining with Infy. I thought I was about to create a record of being posted to every DC of this company in the shortest time span.

I relaxed for the rest of the day. I had to report to PKS the next morning. I had my project’s induction scheduled for the entire day. It went on very well. I liked the application and thought I would nab the maximum number of bugs. Down the line, it proved to be a great learning experience, professionally. I was learning to balance my profession with Raj’s and family’s calls. I was getting better at it with each passing day. I started liking Raj for his weird ways of caring for me. Caught in the balancing act, I got an email for an upcoming project party. The venue was a posh night club in Pune. I had very few friends in Pune. I felt my personality underwent a sea-change after Rahul’s demise and my engagement added fuel to the fire. I lost interest in interacting with people. All I did the entire day was work very hard and go home, cook for myself and then sleep. I had no roommates as I was putting up at Sandhya aunty’s bungalow in Aundh. She was Col. Dahiwalkar’s wife and a family friend. My parents had a very long association with the Dahiwalakrs. She was a Maharashtrian and an extremely warm lady. Her son, Sameer was also an army officer then. I had a comfortable life there.

I thought that the upcoming party would help me open up to new people and make a few friends. I was getting better at work but was losing out on my confidence in interacting with people. Raj’s dominating nature was also a key factor in this. I got dressed up with all my heart for the first time after I came to Pune. I wore a little make-up and silver danglers. I appreciated myself in the mirror after a long time. I heard my phone ringing. It was Sunny, my colleague who was outside my house. He was supposed to pick me up and drop me later that night as I had no conveyance of my own there. I locked the main gate and saw him staring at me with amazed eyes. I smiled and asked him, “What is wrong?” He said, “I wish everyday was a project party. You are looking gorgeous.” I thanked him for the compliment and we drove till the club. My entire team was present and since I was the latest entry in the gang, I was told to introduce myself. After the introduction, I sat next to Niki and Anne, my team mates. I saw people in my team were drinking and smoking. I had a great repulsion for people who used to overindulge themselves, just because something was being paid for by the company. Unfortunately, there were too many of them and I was a true teetotaler, vegetarian Brahmin ( a perfect mismatch for the so-called partying culture).

 I tried not to bother myself much. DJ was loud and my colleagues were high and dancing. I was silently enjoying my Pepsi. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Sunny asking me to dance with him. I refused as I did not enjoy dancing very much and had absolutely no interest in dancing with him. He was disappointed but did not force me much. He later got me a glass of Pepsi, which tasted funny. I had a few sips but could not finish it. I sensed something fishy. I asked Anne to try my drink and check it. She was sure it had Vodka mixed in it. I was really disappointed in Sunny. More than disappointment, it was a sense of anger prevailing over me. I confronted Sunny there itself. I asked him, “I think you gave me your drink.” He said, “Hell! No. Not possible. I got this especially for you.” I argued, “Sunny, this has alcohol in it. You know very well that I do not drink. I must remind you that crossing your line with me would invite trouble for you. I am not a girl who would take this crap from you or anyone as a matter of fact.” He apologized and said, “Yashi! I just wanted to play a little prank on you.” I was annoyed to the max and saw PKS coming towards us. He was our PM and had gathered from Anne and Niki whatever happened. He warned Sunny and told me not to ruin my mood over something like this. He assured me that this would be taken care in a formal manner the next day in office. I accepted Sunny’s apology and finished my dinner fast. I was in no mood to talk to Sunny, let alone go along with him at night. I asked PKS to arrange a drop for me. He did that. Overall, it was a sad evening for me. I was in Varun’s car and something happened which aggravated my gloom to a higher level.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part13)

“Raj calling…” I answered the call. Varun’s choice of music was hip-hop. Raj knew it was not my kind-of music. After the formal hello, he asked me, “Where are you?” I answered, “I was at a project party and I am on my way to home.”

“You are with whom?”

“Raj! I am with Varun, my team mate. I would reach home in five minutes.”

“So! You are busy with someone else at 1 AM and do not have time for your fiance’.”

“It is not that Raj! I…I..I would call you back.” I did not want to create a scene in front of Varun.

I reached home and called him, even before changing my clothes. He was very angry as why hadn’t I taken his permission for the party. I answered, “My entire team was there and I don’t have many friends here, so I thought if I go, it will be beneficial for me here.”

“Yeah! So that you can have more night-outs there. Yashi! You know what! I feel your job is creating a lot of problems in our relationship. I want you to leave it and relax at home. Prepare for our wedding nicely. It is once in a lifetime event and make it grand. I trust you but I do not trust people around.”

“Raj! I do not wish to leave my job. I have signed a bond here and I need to complete one year in this firm. I think it will help me a lot when I would look for a job in London.”

“Who says, I want you to work when you come here? I want you to be at home and take care of the family. I can give you the best of the facilities. You need not work darling” His tone softened.

“But Raj..I have worked very hard to reach this level. It is not about the need to work, it is about the want to work.” I personally felt that it was an international wastage if we don’t utilize our talents and did not work, even when we could.

He yelled at me and told me to set my priorities straight in life. He even hinted me that he would not hesitate to call off the relationship. My sobs were not making any difference to that man. He hung up and I went to my room crying all the way.

I opened my wardrobe to change. I felt that something fell on my right foot. It was Rahul’s diary. It exponentially increased my tears. I picked it up and cried like hell, holding the diary in my hands, went outside in the garden. I looked up to the heavens for a sign. I saw Mahtaab, smiling at me and trying to comfort me. I slept in the garden that night.

I got another phone call early that morning that was about to change my life.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part14)

It was Raj’s mother and as usual, her hip-tone blended with the dominance she had genetically transferred to her son. I said, “Namastey Ma, How are you?”

She answered, “Namastey Yashi, I would be expecting a pairi pauna next time. Anyways, I had to discuss something important with you. Are you free?” (As if I had an option to argue with her!!)

“Yes Ma, Please tell me what is it?”

“Yashi, Raj called up very late at night yesterday and was very angry with you. I believe there was some party in Pune and it went on till very late. You came back in some stranger’s car, someone from your company. Is it true?”

“Yes Ma, it was my project party and I came back with Varun, my team mate, not exactly a stranger.”

“Yashi! We are a very respectable family of Jalandhar and you are our daughter-in-law. Your father-in-law is very worried and upset about what happened last night. You know, it can get repeated and none of us want that. We want you to leave your job and come to Punjab ASAP. As far as pacifying Raj goes, that I will do. I hope I have made myself very clear.”

“But Ma, I have signed a bond here and I cannot break it. It has legal implications. Moreover, this would mean me letting go this career totally.” I think the disappointment in my voice reached the other end.

“I was expecting an answer like this. Raj and his dad will no way understand you. I can convince them, if you come to Chandigarh at least.”

“But Ma, I still have one more month to have this project wrapped up. I will only be free by beginning of October. My bond is till November BTW.”

“OK, I want you to get a transfer to Chandigarh. At least, you will be near us and within reach. Do that as it is very important for all of us. And yes, please call Raj by afternoon and apologize. He was very upset. You know, he is all alone there in UK and he cares for you a lot. This would ease out things a little.”

She hung up. I was shell shocked after the conversation. I knew it was unfair but decided to talk to PKS about this and see if something could be done. I got ready quickly and caught the 9AM bus to office. As soon as I reached the ODC, I sent out a meeting request to PKS. He accepted it. I went to his cubicle five minutes before the meeting time owing to my anxiety.

“Yes Yashi! How are you this morning? I have called Sunny also. He will be here any minute.”

PKS thought that I wanted to discuss the last night’s incident but I had something else on my mind which bothered me more than Sunny. I was trying to find words for my current concern and Sunny entered.

“Hi PKS, So you called me!” he said embarrassed. “Sunny, I hope you are sober enough to explain the blunder you committed last night.”

“Yes PKS, I am very sorry for whatever happened. I am sorry Yashi. This would never ever be repeated. Please don’t escalate the issue and resolve it here itself.”

“Ok! Sunny, You may leave now. Yashi, you stay.”

Sunny left and I stayed, as directed. PKS continued, “Yashi! It was a genuine concern that you raised last evening. I believe you and Sunny cannot remain in the same project anymore. I want to ask you if you are ready to leave the project or you want me to move him out.”

I sensed this as an opportunity to ask for a transfer to Chandigarh. He showed positive signs and told me that he would get back to me by evening. Later that evening, I got a call from PKS telling me that my transfer to Chandigarh has been approved and I am required to join CHD DC two weeks later. So there I was, planning another transfer and incrementing my DC count. I felt life straightening itself for once. I was genuinely happy as I would be able to see my parents every weekend and keep Raj and his mom happy all in one go.

Two weeks passed and I was in Chandigarh DC. North India, finally I thought I would give my “Bharat darshan” a break and was looking forward for the videsh darshan as my wedding approached. After all, 7^th Dec, 08 was not far away. Only two months to go and I would be with Raj as my lawfully wedded husband. I was getting to know him better with each day. I was not missing Rahul that much then as I was caught up in wedding shopping and arrangements. Raj used to call me every alternate day and inquired in detail about all the plans and proceedings. He seemed very excited for the wedding and luckily, his excitement touched me. I started liking that dominating guy as I now knew how to handle him. Or at least, that is what I thought.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part15)

It was Karvachauth next week (last week of Oct). My would-be mother-in-law visited me and gave me goodies for the festival (or Sargee), one evening before the fast. I had never kept a fast like this in my entire life. At the same time, I was looking forward for it. After all, I was getting married to this guy and had all the reasons to believe that fasting can bring long life to him. I think I was scared of losing him (maybe I was getting attached to him or maybe I had lost Rahul in the past). The hip-looking lady was looking amazingly Indian when she was explaining me the norms for the upcoming day. I developed a sense of immense respect for her and the festival. She left later that evening and I was too involved in my thoughts about the next day.

I woke up at 4, the next day and with Mom and Bhabhi, I ate the morning sargee. It was such a divine feeling. Raj had carved a place for himself in my Rahul-filled heart. I was happy to move on as life says, “Move On” at every step. I thought about Raj and our upcoming marriage all day long. It was about 8:30 PM and Raj called me up.

“Hey Darling! How is the fast going?”

“I am a little hungry but very thirsty.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Moon is out. I saw it on the internet. Go see for yourself.”

I rushed outside and ran up the terrace, with the phone in my hand. I yelled at the top of my voice, “Ma, Bhabhi..Moon is there.” I was so elated.

“Yashi! I want to tell you something. I also fasted for you today and look at the moon and make your fast a success.”

Mom and bhabhi were there in no time, so was Dad and Bhaiya. I prayed and looked up at the moon. Mahtaab was smiling at me again. Raj was on call with me and my heart drifted towards Rahul again. I felt caught up badly. I almost had tears in my eyes. I had an indication that Mahtaab wants me to move on with Raj and he would still be by my side. I had a hearty chat with Raj after the prayers. I was about to sleep when I received another call.

It was Mamma. “Hello Beta ji! How are you?”

“Hey! Mamma! Namastey. I am fine, you tell.”

“Beta ji! Please come for the Havan tomorrow morning.”

“What Havan Mamma and why?”

“Did you forget, It will be one year tomorrow that Rahul left us. It is 24^th Oct.”

I was devastated at what Mamma said. I had actually forgotten the date. I considered myself to be good with dates and numbers but failure slapped me hard this time. All I could say was, “Yes Mamma! I will come tomorrow.”

The memories of him slipping out of my hands and life struck me again and I cried myself to sleep. I woke up next morning and began to get ready for the Havan. I was usually a late riser, so my mother inquired, “Where are you going?”

“It’s the barsee (Death Anniversary) of a friend. I am going to his place for the Havan.”

“Yashi! You know it is your marriage in a month. It is very inauspicious to go to ominous places. You are not going anywhere and that is final.”

I cried, yelled, fought but my family did not listen to me. I thought lying would have been a better option.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part16)

It was devastating for me that I could not attend his barsee owing to the superstitious nature of my family. I had no option but to tell Mamma the truth. She absolutely understood it. I did not have to lie to her. Though, I could sense a deep regret in her voice but she carefully hid it. She wished me best luck for my future and asked for a wedding invite for herself. I was surprised at her demand as hers was the first name in my list. I said, “Mamma! How could you think that I can go on without your blessings?”

“No Beta ji! I believe that moving on involves a lot of compromises on the relationships of the past. A tree must shed its old leaves if it wants new ones.” Mamma’s one liner said a lot of things. I pondered over the thoughts for a while and decided to accompany my mom and Bhabhi for the Bridal Lehanga’s shopping. I started developing mixed feelings regarding buying my lehanga exactly after a year that he went. I was confused as I knew it was him who was giving me signals from up above the skies that he was happy with the marriage or he wanted me to be reminded of him in everything I was doing. Nevertheless, I missed him though I was developing a liking towards Raj and his family. I got attached to Rohan as he used to call me every alternate day and updated me about the groom’s side preparations. It was big news in his family as no man had ever fasted for his wife in their entire lineage. I was secretly elated about the fact that my man wanted a long life for me. I was used to Raj and his ways which were uniquely cute. I knew I would have to work hard if I had to adjust in that family. I was ready for the same as I already made a lot of adjustments by then.

I started wearing Indian suits whenever the hip-looking lady paid a visit to us. I even began enjoying getting overly dressed up at times. I was learning to apply liner and mascara. These things were literally alien to me a few months ago. Raj expressed once that he would want me to learn how to wear nice eye make-up. I was tuned off at that point as I hated wearing any kind of make-up then. I faked a smile and agreed. With these thoughts hovering, Yashi (with a perfect eye-liner and Mascara) went for her Lehanga shopping. Nilibar Stores, Out of the displayed twenty pieces, I selected the best one. Bhabhi was happy that I was finally enjoying the idea of getting married. The lehanga made a big hole in my brother’s pocket but strangely, he was glad with that. He treated me like his daughter and the entire responsibility of the celebrations was on the shoulders of my bro and bhabhi.

I joined my office the next Monday. It was the first week of November and my heart pounded as my wedding date approached. Days passed by and Miss Yashi sent out an e-invite and “sweets at my desk” mails to all those who mattered at those who did not. After all, I was supposed to be on a month’s leave after that day. Last time, my signatures read Miss Yashi. I even wondered the inequality between men and women. Guys would me Mr. before and after their marriage. I hated guys for this privilege.

Last week of November was when Raj was flying back to India. He reached safely at Amritsar Airport. I was dying to meet him. I was happy that a bond was created before the D-Day. He was supposed to meet me the next day of his arrival.

I got dressed up in a nicely with gleaming eyes and an ear to ear smile, greeted my would-be husband. We had a nice romantic date and he showered me with presents. Both domestic and international. He judged my choice of perfumes and bought me some really nice ones, “Romance-Ralph Lauren”, my all time favorite stole the show and so did Raj. We discussed about our future and he seemed very excited about our big day, which was just a week away. Both of us had butterflies in our tummies.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part17)

7-Dec-2008

The day which was going to change me and my life forever (Though I was not short of such days in my life). Neha and Gagan were by my side that morning. The last few days went off amazingly well with fervor, fun and frolic. Punjabi weddings are very lavish and so was mine. Punjabis are known to compromise on anything but style. It involved a series of hunky-dory functions. People came, ate, enjoyed and pin-pointed the gray areas in the arrangements. It was despite the fact that my family had worked very hard in the last few months to make the ceremonies a grand success. This was the major demand of Raj’s family as well and was taken care to the best of our capabilities. In the midst of crowd comprising of my relatives (known and many unknown), my pals found some time with the bride. Then Neha said something which was much unexpected.

“Yashi, I would like you to hand over Rahul’s diaries to us and move on completely. It will be unfair on your part if you carry the burden of your past in your future. Some burdens are better dealt with if they are shed off in time.”

“Neha! What are you saying? I cannot do that. Those diaries are his last gift to me.”

“Yashi! Neha is right. We know it would be difficult for you but trust me, it is for your betterment.” Added Gagan.

They had a valid point and my artistic turned logical mind understood the idea behind that. With a very heavy heart and millions of tears in my eyes, I handed over the packet containing Rahul’s cards and diaries to my friends. They promised to keep it safe. I immediately felt released, I don’t know why!!

I went to the beauty parlor in the afternoon and there was the very experienced lady dressing up about 20 brides. I wondered that all of us shared the same wedding date. People were dressed up nicely, or I would say, overdressed. I was a little worried as how would I look. The make-up ordeal began and lasted for about four hours (hairstyle, Chunri setup, Lehnga drape, eye make-up, base make-up and the overall… These are the few I can recall but I am sure, there were more.)

The experienced lady’s hard work finally paid off and I was amazed with the end result. I looked my best in 24 Years. I thought I looked better than the other 19 brides present there. My cousin came to pick me up and he was not at all short of compliments for me. My aunt applied a black tika (to fight the evil eyes) at the back of my ear. I felt very special. The baraat was on time unlike most baraats in India. I was in the add-on room of the marriage palace. People were visiting me and showering their blessings on me. The photographers were very busy and wanted me to throw weird poses at the lens, which I refused to do. They were a little annoyed but so was I, with a lot of heavy accessories on myself (Choora, Kaleerey, and what not).

The wedding went off very well. Raj was looking very good that day. He was a handsome, tall man (though a little obese, but it did not matter to me anymore). I was planning to starve him until he made it to his perfect size.  Then came the hardest moment for any girl post pheras, the Bidaai.

My family sent me away with a heavy and happy heart. We were at the marriage palace’s gate that Mamma came and hugged me and bade me a goodbye packed with lots of luck. I was on my way to the florally decorated car when my ever active tear. I was crying uncontrollably when Raj held my hand to console me. I felt a huge mix of varied emotions. In the car, which Rohan was driving and Ma was in the front seat, I felt as if I was taking up a new transfer somewhere to some DC of Infy. The difference was the pomp and show and that I was carrying on myself a hell lot of make-up and a lot of emotions.

After about an hour’s journey, we reached Jalandhar, where I was greeted with lots of excitement. After the formal entry or the vadhu-pravesh, Raj took me to his room. We were really tired after the processes and procedures of the milestone called “The Great Indian Wedding”.

In Raj’s room, when we were relaxing, Raj’s phone buzzed. He seemed a little uncomfortable. He went outside to take the call. I was not curious to know who it was as all I wanted to do that night was to catch up for my lost sleep and gear up for the challenges coming up the next day.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part18)

The Next Morning( 11:30AM)

I woke up when I heard people laughing outside. I don’t catch up sleep at new places but I was so tired that even the novelty of the bed left me unaffected. I woke up but did not find Raj around. I sat on my bed for a few minutes as I was not sure what to do. I could still feel the traces of make-up on my face, though I washed it about a million times. My hair wanted a wash badly, thanks to the chemicals the experienced lady dipped them into. I rushed in the shower. It took me an hour to get ready, for the first time in my life. The hustle-bustle outside was increasing exponentially but none seemed to bother about me. I thought that they forgot the new addition in the family. I was almost ready when I heard a knock at my door. It was Rohan (Raj’s brother), who wanted me to come out for some silly post-marriage games. He led me to the drawing room where I was greeted by the relatives of all shapes and sizes (there were so many of them). Then began the ordeal of “Pairi Pauna”, which I enjoyed somehow.

The games were fun; they were more like an induction in the new family. Most of the relatives went back by evening. Some were scheduled to leave the next day. I did not find real quality time with Raj, mainly because of the presence of so many people around. The hip-looking lady and now my mom-in-law was sitting in some distant corner of the drawing room and threw real grim expressions. She was actually talking to Raj’s chachi. “Yashi! Please come here!” I obeyed and sat next to them.

She said, “What am I listening?” I said, “What Ma, What happened?”

“Yashi! Chachi’s family was not taken care of properly during the ceremonies. She is complaining that your mother only paid attention to Tayiji and not her. I absolutely had no answer to what she said. I had no option but to apologize. I felt extremely uncomfortable and wanted to run away to my room to weep but could not. I controlled my tears. Both the cribbing ladies stood up and went away. Raj observed something happening. He came and sat next to me. “What happened? You look upset. Everything okay?”

I did not want to create a scene so I smiled and said, “Ya Ya, all well. You tell, Mr. Busy. No time for your wife?”

He said, “Let’s go to our room as I wish to tell you something.” He looked stern.

With millions of thoughts and zillions of emotions, I escorted him. He bolt the door. I found a place on the bed.

 He said, “Yashi! I am not at all happy about the feedback I am getting about the marriage. This is not done. We have not asked for anything as dowry. All we wanted was a grand wedding and good care of our guests. But what has happened is a disaster.”

“Raj! What are you talking about? My family worked for last six months to make this a success. I think the wedding was awesome and pretty lavish.”

He yelled, “YA Yashi! That is what you think? Relatives are taunting us about getting a girl from the service class family. Even I think it was a mistake. My dad is so upset. You know he is a BP patient and he won’t be able to survive this social insult.”

“But Raj! My parents asked you about any specific demand. And they have done their best, maybe more than their best, trust me. This is not fair. Just because your relatives are not happy, you cannot go on and insult my parents this way.”

“Yashi! Don’t you dare talk to me like that! I hope I have made myself clear. I will not take shit from you and your family. Your brother and dad should come and apologize for the disaster last night.”

He stood up, threw the cushion that was in his hand at the mirror and went out slamming the door.

I realized what a mess I was in. My world crashed, ONCE AGAIN.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part19)

All the relatives left by the next day. Talks were on for our honeymoon. Raj decided to get a package booked for Singapore and Malaysia for next week. He asked me as if my approval mattered!! I was supposed to travel to Ludhiana with Raj for the Phera (When the girl visits her parents’ home first time after wedding) the same evening. On our way to Ludhiana from Jalandhar, I asked Raj not to bring up the topic he discussed with me. I said, “Raj, it will hurt my parents a lot.” He said, “I don’t care, their negligence has hurt my parents as well. Yashi! I am a very straightforward person and rather than keeping this to myself, I would tell them and ease myself.”

I kept quiet for the rest of the journey. He was a very rude man. I was wondering what he would say. We almost reached our place when mom-in-law called up. “Yashi! Please tell Raj to stop at a florist and a sweet shop. I want you to buy a nice, expensive bouquet and some sweets. I am sure you mustn’t be aware of this. This is how we greet our relatives in our families.” With choking voice, I said a yes and hung up. I conveyed the message to Raj and he did as instructed. We were greeted very warmly back home. I wept hard as soon as my mom hugged me. I never missed the bunch as much in my entire life as I did in the last two days. I was praying secretly that Raj behaves properly at my place.

But Mataji chose not to answer my prayers this time and Raj showed his true colors in the first half an hour of meeting my family. He was no more the cordial guy my family saw. Out of the blue, he said, “Uncle, I wish to share some feelings with you. I hope you will take me seriously.” All were silent except the twins who were still excited to see their Yashi bua in traditional clothes, a rare sight for them.

“Yes Raj! Go ahead.”

“Uncle, My family is really unhappy and dissatisfied with the wedding arrangements. It was the last wedding in your family for this generation but the first one for us. My father would like to see you next week. Rest, I advise you not to take any tensions about it. We will sort this out ASAP.”

I could sense gloom on my Fauji dad’s wrinkled face. He was a master in hiding his emotions but he never concealed his anger, if at all it existed.  “Alright Raj! I would come to meet Mr. Khanna. Anything else, Beta.” My father was very polite. I thought he would tell Raj to mend his ways at least but my expectations did not fulfill.

Most of my Ludhiana visit went off in tears. I tried to hide my problems from my family as I did not want to bother them. I said, “I am happy, just the initial adjustments and I’ll be fine.” I think they believed me.

We were supposed to fly to Malaysia the next Friday. That was when, my parents came to meet me an evening before (or to apologize the overgrown man for the so-called discrepancies in the ceremony). Everyone was sitting in the drawing room when my father-in-law came up with a glass of whiskey in his hand. He offered a drink to my dad and brother but they refused. Nobody in my family drank alcohol.

F-I-L sat comfortably next to my father and put his arm on my dad’s shoulder while all of us watched. He said, “You get discount on any kind of liquor in the CSD, right?”

My dad nodded. He continued, “Still! All you offered in the wedding was Teachers. We were expecting Chivas. Anyways, that is not all. No car, no flat, no nothing. I thought you were matured enough to understand the needs of your daughter but I was wrong. A service class man would remain a service class for his entire life. Anyways, I must tell you that I am sending the kids to Singapore and Malaysia tomorrow at my expense. I love my children and Yashi is my child now. Rest, we would visit you once they are back from their trip and talk in detail.”

I wondered what other detail that stupid man missed. I wanted to slap him right in the face but the values my folks inculcated in me, stopped me to do so. My father submissively apologized. I could see no reason except that he wanted to see me happy. I took my bhaiya aside and looked in his eyes inquiringly. He said, “Yashi! Don’t worry. All will be well. We would satisfy their demands. You just be your best here and don’t give them another chance to complain.”

“But Bhaiya! We have already spent a fortune at the wedding. I don’t understand what they want.”

“Yashi! All I want from you is to enjoy your honeymoon. You would anyways leave India soon and go to UK, right. So don’t bother and relax.”

My family left later in the night after the insult session. I had never imagined my life to be like this. I still took the flight next morning (not that I wanted to go but I had no option). The honeymoon was ok. It was more like an educational tour with a hint of romance (romance: as per Raj and hormones/lust: as per me). I realized that we were very different people but the worst was yet to come. He did not hand me over even a single dollar of that currency (Malaysian Ringets / Singapore Dollars). I felt so bloody dependent on him. I was not brought up like that. I was never treated like this ever in my life, the way this man treated me in the last ten days.

He used to force me to drink but I somehow managed to keep myself away from that. HE used to call me, “DownMarket, LS” and names like that. But I knew I had been very focused in my life in terms of drinking and smoking, so I was very firm on my belief. He overindulged himself in alcohol one night and expressed that he wanted to talk to me about something. I sensed trouble but was too scared to even argue. We were in M hotel’s room at the twelfth floor in Singapore.

“Yashi! I have heard that your father has a farmhouse in Ludhiana. I think you must tell him to sell it so that we can buy a nice flat in UK.”

I could not control myself anymore. “Raj! This is not done. You guys never put out demands like this before the marriage. What is this now? I am educated and I would work hard to keep you and your family satisfied. Please spare my family. Please.”

The drunken man threw his can of beer on the ground. The carpet was soiled badly. He rushed towards me and held my hair. I used to tie them in a ponytail, which was very painfully in his drunken hands. He smelled bad. He shouted, “What did you say? You would not do this? Do you know marrying you has ruined me thoroughly.”

I said, “Raj, you are hurting me. Please leave me. Leave me alone.”

“Leave you..That is exactly what I always wanted but Mom never agreed.”

“What are you talking about, Raj! Leave me alone please. Leave my hair.”

He shouted something very abusive and next I remember myself on the ground. It took me a while to realize that I was punched. Yes! I was punched very hard, right in my nose and I was probably bleeding. My left nostril was oozing a lot of blood and this man paid no attention. He blabbered something and went off to sleep. I spent the entire night crying and covering my wound up.

But many such wounds were yet to occur. We were supposed to fly back to India the next day.

Another walk of LIFE

(Part20)

It was a five and a half hour flight back to Delhi. It took us another ten hours to reach Jalandhar. The tiredness enhanced with each passing minute. My desire to live was almost dead. I was sick of my life. But I guess it was a little too soon to give up. Yashi was not the types who gave up easily. I did not talk to Raj for the entire journey, neither did he. I think he did not even realize that he was wrong. Chances were high that he did not even remember that he hit me the previous night. We reached Raj’s home. The hip-looking lady made nice tea for us but served it with disgusting stares. We freshened up and it was dinner time. At the dining table, the overgrown man and the obese son hurdled abuses at me for not bringing enough dowry. I felt like killing myself there and then. The latest insult session paused when Raj received a phone call. He again went out to answer it. I left my food mid-way and went to my room, thinking about what next to do. I was supposed to join Infy back the next week and thought it would provide me some solace at last. Raj had to fly to UK, the next week as well. Things eased out a little. The frequency of quarrels reduced owing to increasing dinner invites.

I spoke about our marriage registration on the breakfast table. It was about five days, we had in hand. I was again answered in an abrupt manner (I was getting used to these mannerisms). They said, the marriage would be registered in April when Raj would come back next to take me. I innocently agreed. But it was another red flag, I missed.

I came to Chandigarh and Raj left for UK. His calls reduced exponentially. He rejected my calls as well. He was even distancing himself from Ritu didi. I used to visit Jalandhar almost every weekend. The hip-looking lady and the overgrown man left no occasion to insult me unutilized. Rohan was the only one, who was a little gentle on me. Several months passed by and I was a decent cook as this is what the MIL expected and I was an early riser now who wore contact lenses and make-up, the first thing after getting  up.

I lost out on all my hobbies and refused to talk to most of my friends. I was not the same Yashi anymore. One fine morning, the overgrown man called me up. I was getting ready for office. He started shouting at me, “Yashi! We know what you do there. Just resign and pack your bags. You are not working anymore and that is an order.” He did not listen to me and hung up. It was then I called up my dad and told them I would be resigning the same day. He said he was ok with it if I was.

I went to the office and sent out a meeting request to Neha, my unit BP-HR. I filed my e-separation and called MIL to share the news. What she said was again uncalled for. “Send me a screenshot as a proof.” “Ma! This is against our policies, so I would not be doing that.”

“Why are you bothered? You are not going to work for this company. Just do as I say.”

“No Ma! I would not and I am sure about it.” I hung up.

I received my mother’s call in twenty minutes. I think she was crying. She asked me to apologize to them. I agreed to apologize but told her that I would not violate the company’s policy.

Neha validated my esep and it reached the next step. I went to Jalandhar the coming weekend.

I was greeted with yet another shock. Everyone looked grim as if someone had died. Raj was called and the line was handed over to me. Raj said, “Yashi! I cannot continue this relationship with you. I would make some other arrangements for myself here. Please go ahead and withdraw your resignation.”

My world came crashing again. For once, I demanded a reason but yet again was refused the same. Raj was the most disgusting man, a beast in the shape of a man. I hated him like I hated nobody else. I asked MIL, FIL and even Rohan, the reason for such a decision. They said, “He would only be able to tell you. You failed him as a wife.”

I called up my brother. It was 11/April/2009 12:30 AM. I asked him to come and pick me. He was sleepy and confused. After all, I concealed all the torture I went through. He was taken aback. My brother started off right away and told me to hang in there. Strangely, I did not cry. I was dressed up in my night-suit and told the Khannas that I won’t be able to live with them anymore. I took a decision for once in my life. Not to beg for this marriage to Raj. My next call was to Rachna, my PM and a dear friend. I told her to put my resignation on hold. She understood my problem empathetically.

My brother called me as soon as he reached outside the house. MIL instructed me to shed off all my jewellery. I was not allowed to wear even my Mataji’s gold locket. The jewellery from my parents’ side was all with her. I was in a bad emotional turmoil and jewellery or thigs were the last thing on my mind.

I sat in Bhaiya’s car and the hip-looking lady said, “Monu, We would talk sometimes next week about this. We tried to stop her but she is not ready. She has a giant ego.”

Bhaiya chose not to argue and drove me back to Ludhiana. Things did not cease to be turning ugly. Raj terminated his communication with me. I did not want to talk to him either. My parents still had a hope to save my marriage. Their hopes were shattered in the third meeting with Raj’s family. I was fighting hard to find reasons to stay alive. I rejoined my job and tried to concentrate hard. I failed at times. My productivity decreased drastically but somehow, quality was still up to the mark.

My parents asked me “What next, Yashi!” I said, “Dad! I want a DIVORCE. That’s it.” They were still skeptical. I did not disclose the domestic violence I faced to them. They were already stressed out and I certainly did not wish to increase it.

In the meanwhile, I had posted an advertisement on the BB for sharing the accommodation. Swati joined me and I was extremely lucky that it was her and nobody else for she was a lady with an immense strength in her head and thoughts which could challenge even the Almighty. She was a witness to the downfall I faced in my married life.

I even developed certain habits which I never cherished earlier. I think my “SELF” got distorted. I was punishing myself now. I was doing things I had never done or thought I would do. I started drinking and even smoked for a while. I thought that being focused has got me nowhere, so let’s see what happens if I lose it.

Then came the night when I absolutely gave up. I planned to drown myself in the Sukhna lake and even booked an auto to reach there. I composed a suicide note on the email and did not know whom to send it to. So it got saved in Drafts. I was in the auto. It was very late. I paid the auto-wallah, made my final few calls to all those who mattered. I was walking down the line separating the water from the road. I looked up one last time for a signal and what I saw was something I had forgotten completely in my marital problems. It was MAHTAAB. I stopped. I felt him next to me and something vibrated in my pocket. It was Rahul’s Mamma. “Yashi Beta! I hope you are OK. I am sorry I called you at this hour. I just wanted to tell you that we have decided to open a nursing home in Rahul’s memory in a village near Ludhiana. It would make him immortal. You are the one who matters the most to us, so breaking this good news to you in the first place.

MAHTAAB asked me to survive and live once again. He told me in his own special ways that he wants me to fight and not give up. I listened to him and returned. I promised him I would never even think of a suicide again. I shared the sequence of events with Swati. She made me look at things from a perspective that I thought never existed. She made me believe that I am lucky that this happened at such an early stage. It could have been worse with a baby around. I tried to come out of it. I was trying very hard, with psychological counsellings, anti-depressants and never ending support from Family and friends.

Garima and Guncha, my friends and cubicle mates tried their level best to keep me afloat. Their silly jokes threw a smile at my dead face sometimes. Gradually, I smiled more often. Ridhi made my lunch routine proper. She belonged to Delhi and brought yummy Paneer bhurjee every Monday cooked with immense love by her mother. I found pillars of strength all around me. I started seeing people who were even less fortunate that I was. My family got back to normal and we sued them. I hope the law teaches them a lesson for lifetime.

But I took my lesson, after this betrayal. It was somewhere in end of July, a friend suggested that I should do something that interests me. What could have been better than writing? I took the advice and wrote “Reflections”. The critical and appreciation mails were much more effective than the anti-depressants I was on. I was out of my depression by August and the legal war is still on.

Today, as I conclude this story, I know many questions would rise. But Yashi is prepared to answer all of them now. I did not write this to gain sympathy of any kind. When you have support of friends and family, you do not need sympathy. I am a stronger person than I ever could have been. I feel like Gold at heart, which has to melt itself before it can take up the design. “If God brings you to it, He brings you through it.” Is what I believe. I almost conquered my alcohol problem with huge efforts on the part of Swati, Ridhima, Garima, Guncha, Shruti and many other friends.

I wish to thank all of them through this little effort I have put in. I am able to face the world with much more courage than I could ever imagine. Life is not easy; this is what my life has taught me. At the same time, I know now that it is only as difficult as we make it for ourselves.

P.S. “If God brings you to it, He brings you through it.”